(This text is intended to introduce transference and countertransference in general terms. Different therapy modalities have different perspectives on these phenomena and may see some of the points below differently.)
The therapeutic relationship between therapist and client is an arena where a wide range of emotional experiences and relationship patterns can play out. This is not surprising, because although the relationship is professional and guided by clear boundaries, it is also a space where deeply personal thoughts, feelings and memories can be shared.
Because it is a relationship in which both you and the therapist can be emotionally present, attentive and engaged, it naturally activates some of the same patterns, expectations and vulnerabilities that show up in other important relationships. In this sense, therapy can become an arena where ways of relating can be observed safely, understood more deeply and gradually reshaped through reflection and new experiences within the therapeutic relationship.
Transference
Transference is a word therapists use to describe a natural process that happens in therapy which can be useful to be aware of. We often respond to people in the present based on learning and experiences we had in relationships from our past. When this happens, feelings, fears, hopes, or expectations that originally were felt in relation to someone else, like a parent, teacher, or partner, can become directed toward the therapist.
Sometimes we are aware of this happening and other times we are not. This isn’t a mistake or something to be ashamed of as it is something we all do. In the therapy setting it can be useful to talk about transference experiences openly as they can reveal important patterns about how you’ve learned to relate to others. Through reflection on such patterns, you and the therapist can learn about which emotional experiences these patterns may lead to in your life and point to where healing can be helpful.
You might for example notice transference in therapy if you start feeling judged, dismissed, rejected, or overly attached, even if the therapist hasn’t done something specifically to cause that reaction. For example, someone who grew up trying very hard to please a critical parent may find themselves worrying that their therapist is disappointed in them for not “doing therapy right.”
They may become anxious, apologise frequently, or hold back from being honest with themselves or the therapist. Exploring moments like this in therapy helps you see the pattern more clearly, understand where it comes from, and begin developing new ways of responding that are more helpful and more empowering for you in a safe environment.
Countertransference
Countertransference is a related term that describes the therapist’s emotional reactions to the client during sessions. Just like clients, therapists can be influenced by their own histories and relational patterns, and they may feel things in response to what is happening in the room. This is not a problem as therapists are trained to monitor and reflect their own experiences.
Therapists who are paying attention to countertransference can get useful clues about what you might be feeling, expecting, or needing. Therapists are trained to notice these reactions, reflect on where they come from, and use them thoughtfully to support the work rather than act them out in reactive ways.
For example, if a client has learned to expect others to be disappointed in them, the therapist might start feeling unusually cautious with their words or find themselves wanting to reassure the client more than usual. This reaction isn’t about the client doing anything wrong, it’s a sign that an important relational pattern may be unfolding in the session.
The therapist can then explore this gently and collaboratively, saying something like, “I notice I’m trying very hard to make sure you don’t feel criticised. I wonder if that might be part of a pattern taking place?” In this way, countertransference can become a helpful tool for understanding your inner world and working with the therapeutic relationship.
Why Do Transference And Countertransference Happen In Therapy?
Transference and countertransference show up in therapy because the therapeutic relationship is a real relationship between people. It is an emotionally meaningful relationship and often reflects other important relationships we’ve had throughout our lives. When we sit with someone who listens closely, asks personal questions, and matters to us, it’s natural for old feelings, expectations, and relational habits to surface.
Therapy becomes like a safe simulation of the outside world, one where deep emotional patterns can be seen more clearly when the therapist is consistently present, attentive, and non-judgmental. Rather than being problematic, these responses help illuminate how past experiences continue to shape present relationships, often without our awareness.
Countertransference also emerges naturally because therapists are human beings too, who respond emotionally to others. When a client brings a strong relational pattern into the room, whether that is fear of rejection, hostility, caretaking, or submission, it often evokes complementary feelings in the therapist.
Instead of ignoring these reactions, therapists can use them as valuable information about what the client might be experiencing. In this way, the emotional dynamics between client and therapist become part of the therapeutic process itself, offering real-time insight and creating opportunities for new, healthier ways of relating to develop.
How Do I Deal With Transference And Countertransference As It Comes Up In Sessions?
Different therapy modalities have different ways of working with transference, some having it at the centre of the work, such as psychodynamic therapies, while others pretty much ignore it, such as structured behavioural therapies, and everything in between. So how you deal with it depends on the therapy you are in and how your therapist is trained to work with it. However, some general pointers can be useful to keep in mind.
Be the observer of your experience, not the critic. When transference comes up in therapy, say for example you start feeling overly protective of the therapist, it can be helpful to notice it together rather than judge or resist it.
If you suddenly feel overly responsible for the therapist’s feelings, or afraid of disappointing them, it can be useful to pause and talk about what you’re experiencing in the moment. Naming a shift in the relationship, gently and without blame, helps turn something automatic into something you and your therapist can explore with curiosity.
This might sound something like, “Something changed for me just now. I’m worried you might be upset with me,” or the therapist might invite reflection by saying, “It seems like that question felt difficult. Shall we explore what happened there together?” Bringing these moments into the open creates the possibility of understanding where the feelings come from and finding new ways of responding that feel safer and more empowering.
Countertransference is worked with in a similar spirit, but on the therapist’s side. Therapists pay attention to their own emotional reactions, such as suddenly feeling defensive, protective, frustrated, or unusually careful. Rather than acting on these reactions automatically, therapists reflect on them, often using supervision from a colleague to understand what might be happening.
If sharing their reaction could support the client’s insight, the therapist might say something like, “I notice I started trying very hard to reassure you, and I wonder if that might connect to a feeling that you’re at risk of upsetting me.” In this way, both transference and countertransference become shared material for reflection, turning the relationship itself into a space for awareness and sometimes practicing new ways of relating to others.
Final Thoughts
Transference and countertransference are not problems to be avoided but windows into the deeper patterns that shape how you connect with others, and with yourself. When these phenomena are noticed and explored with openness and care, they can help illuminate old wounds, unmet needs, and long-standing relational patterns or habits.
They create space for new ways of responding that feel safer, more flexible, and more empowering. By understanding these experiences and working with them alongside your therapist, the therapeutic relationship becomes not just a place to talk about change, but a place where change can be lived and practiced in real time.
Further reading:
