This is not an easy yes or no response. Grief can be perceived as an ongoing process throughout our lives that with time we learn to navigate better. There are various models and perspectives that are helpful in thinking about how an individual may experience grief.
Five Stages of Grief
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – the five stages of grief as outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in relation to the key emotions an individual experiences following the sudden loss of a loved one.
| 1. Denial | Avoidance, confusion, elation, shock, fear |
| 2. Anger | Frustration, irritation, anxiety |
| 3. Bargaining | Struggling to find meaning, reaching out to others, telling one’s story |
| 4. Depression | Overwhelmed, helplessness, hostility, feeling the magnitude of the loss |
| 5. Acceptance | Exploring options, new plan in place, moving on, learning to cope |
While the work of Kubler-Ross and subsequent colleagues has been useful for bringing the topic of grief to the forefront and the range of emotions that emerge, it is important to highlight that grief is not a linear process. For some it may well be, but we are all individuals and the way we grieve will depend on various factors.
This includes the way or manner in which we lose someone, whether it was sudden or gradual, the relationship dynamics between ourselves and the loved one we are bereaving over, our previous life experiences and whether it is our first encounter or grief or not, our own mental health and resilience factors, and so on. This is not an exhaustive list and lots of factors can come into play here.
Dual-Process Model of Grief
Another way to think about grief is the movement of going backwards and forwards between facing (loss-oriented) and avoiding (restoration-oriented) the loss of our loved one. This is the dual-process model of grief by Stroebe and Schut who proposed grief to be an oscillation process.
The loss-oriented phases may involve emotions or thoughts surfacing around the loss and evoke strong, and often painful, feelings, such as missing your loved one as well as feeling alone, low in mood and angry over the loss.
On the other hand, the restoration-oriented phases focus on regaining normalcy and engaging in distractions that help an individual to cope and participate in daily life. This may include adjusting to new roles within the family, developing new relationships or engaging in new experiences. In essence, it is about adapting and figuring out one’s new identity following the loss.
The important point here is that grief is not linear, nor does grief get smaller or disappear with time. Tonkin’s model of grief suggests that grief stays the same size, but it is our life that slowly begins to get bigger and grow around the grief.
Your grief may parallel to some of the models mentioned here, such as the five stages or oscillation process, or it may not. And the latter is okay too given we are all individuals with our own unique experiences. This is where therapeutic support can be central to an individual’s journey and they can be supported in a way that is meaningful to them.
This includes considering an individual’s cultural, religious and spiritual perspectives around grief and the concept of death. Through collaboration between the therapist and individual, grief can be explored in a safe space to help the individual make sense of their experiences and how to tackle moving forward.
References:
Kessler, E., & Kubler-Ross, D. (2014). On grief and grieving. Simon & Schuster Ltd.
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement: Rationale and Description. Death Studies, 23, 197-224.
Tonkin, L. (1996). Growing around grief – another way of looking at grief and recovery. Bereavement Care, 15(1), 10-10.
