I often talk to my clients about pasta sauce.
Back in the day when I was young…
OK, not that long ago, but long enough.
If I wanted to eat something quickly, I’d head to the supermarket and usually find myself in the pasta aisle, staring at sauces. Back then, there were just a handful of options. Making a decision wasn’t all that difficult.
These days? It’s a whole new world.
UK-made, imported, with vegetables, with chilli, Bolognese, for lasagne… etc. etc.
You could make a completely different pasta dish every day for weeks and not repeat the same sauce.
All that choice is a privilege of modern life – but it also brings a new challenge: how to choose?
Fast forward to 2012, when a revolutionary new dating app called Tinder launched, followed by Bumble, Hinge and many, many others.
These apps didn’t just offer you one supermarket’s worth of pasta sauce – they opened up access to every supermarket.
Local shops. National chains. International delicatessens.
You could now browse pasta sauces from anywhere in the world.
But with that “solution” came a new problem:
“Which pasta sauce should I buy?” “Is there a better one I haven’t tried yet?”
This is a question I see come up regularly in therapy.
Not about pasta sauce – about partners.
The search for the “right” or “best” partner often mirrors the pasta sauce dilemma. With so much choice, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking there’s always someone better just one swipe away.
So how do we make a decision?
One idea I share with clients is the “Bag of Balls Theory.”
The premise is simple: Imagine a bag filled with hundreds of coloured balls, each representing a trait—some positive, some negative. Every time you dip into the bag and pull out a handful, you get a unique combination of qualities in a partner.
The takeaway? Imperfect is perfect.
In a world where options feel endless, we can get stuck in the illusion that there’s a perfect combination waiting out there – if only we keep searching. And maybe there is. But the truth is, you never know what handful of traits you’ll pull out next.
The real question becomes:
Is the combination of qualities in front of me good enough to commit to for a lifetime?
Yes, the jar might not be your favourite colour.
The label might be a bit off.
But the flavour works.
This isn’t about settling for “less than.” It’s about embracing the reality that everyone comes with a mix of qualities – some we’ll love, some we’ll tolerate, and some we’ll have to work on.
When we search for a partner, we’re not looking for perfection. We’re looking for someone whose good qualities we can celebrate, and whose flaws we can accept – or at least understand.
I don’t long for the days when you had to choose from a handful of potential partners in your village. But I do hope we can move toward a culture that’s more compassionate – towards ourselves and toward others – especially in relationships.
And if you’re wondering, I’ll take a Dolmio Bolognese.
