When couples argue, it is often not what they are saying, but how they are saying it, that causes the most harm. We all want to feel heard, respected, and understood, especially by our partner. But in the heat of the moment, it is easy to slip into blame, defensiveness, or shutdown. That’s where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help.
I came across the book Nonviolent Communication last year and could not believe I had not heard about it or read it sooner. Developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, NVC is a really practical and helpful way to communicate that builds connection rather than conflict. I think it can be useful anywhere where we are interacting with another human; in therapy rooms, schools, the office, and absolutely in romantic relationships.
The Four Steps of Nonviolent Communication
NVC follows four simple steps. They may seem small, but they can make a big difference. Similarly, they can seem straightforward, but they take practice and involve a lot of unlearning and learning (at least for me!).
| 1. Observation | Describe what you see or hear without judgment. Instead of: “You never listen to me!” Try: “I noticed that when I was talking just now, you looked at your phone.” |
| 2. Feelings | Share how you feel in response to what happened. “I felt hurt and frustrated when that happened.” This builds empathy and helps your partner understand your emotional world. |
| 3. Needs | Express the need behind your feeling. What underlying need has not been met? “I need to feel heard and valued when we talk.” Our needs can be tricky to get to grips with as we are simply not taught to think in this way, but we all have basic human needs, for respect, love, safety, understanding and connection, etc. |
| 4. Request | Make a clear, specific request (not a demand). “Would you be willing to put your phone down when we talk?” A request invites collaboration instead of resistance |
Why Nonviolent Communication Works For Couples
NVC helps you shift from reacting to connecting. Instead of jumping into blame (“You don’t care!”), you pause to explore what is really going on inside. That changes the tone from attack to vulnerability, which opens the door for your partner to listen instead of defend.
It also encourages both people to take ownership of their emotions and needs, rather than expecting the other person to just “get it.” As much as we would love to be, none of us are mind readers.
A Real-Life Example
Let’s say one partner comes home late without calling. Instead of: “You are so inconsiderate! You never think of me!” Try: “When you came home late without letting me know (observation), I felt worried and unimportant (feelings). I need to feel considered and informed (needs). Would you be willing to call or text if you are going to be late? (request)”
It is not magic and it definitely takes practice, but it is powerful.
A Gentle Reminder
Like any new skill, NVC takes practice. It may feel awkward or clunky at first, especially if you are used to different ways of expressing yourself. That’s okay.
Start small. Pick one conversation a week to try it out. Talking about it with your partner and practicing it together can help you overcome the initial awkwardness. Over time, it becomes more natural, and your relationship will likely feel more respectful, connected, and safe.
