I often hear people say they want to get rid of their anger. This is an understandable want for people who feel at the mercy of their anger, often reacting in ways that they later regret. However, if the expectation is that anger will disappear, it is no wonder that disappointment follows, because anger is a natural emotion that everyone feels from time to time.
Anger typically becomes a problem if we identify with it, react to it, and punish ourselves or others for it. In this text we will have a look at some principles from acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and how they can help us change our relationship with anger. These will not make anger disappear, but they can help us realise that the anger we experience is not who we are (I am angry VS I experience anger) that we don’t have to react to it.
When we realise this and practice the implications, anger loses its power over us, and we become able to act in ways that are consistent with who we want to be even when we feel angry. Over time this can lead to anger no longer feeling as intense, overwhelming, or frequent.
Understanding anger through an ACT lens
In ACT, anger itself is not the problem. Anger is a natural human emotion that evolved to alert us to threat, injustice, or boundary violations. The difficulty usually comes from fighting or suppressing anger, getting hooked by angry thoughts, reacting when anger shows up.
When anger takes over, it can push us into behaviours we later regret, such as shouting, withdrawing, becoming aggressive, or ruminating. We’ll have a look at how to respond with more flexibility, even when anger is present, instead of reacting to it.
Step One: Noticing when you’re “hooked” by anger
Mindfulness is a key component of ACT practice. ACT uses the term cognitive fusion to describe moments when thoughts and emotions feel completely true and urgent, as if though we are the thought or emotion. For example, ‘I am angry’, ‘this is unacceptable’, or ‘they deliberately disrespected me.’
When this happens, it can feel as though we have no choice but to react. This is where we need to practice mindfulness. You can do this using the following steps to start with and later it will feel more intuitive:
- Pause and notice which thoughts are present in your mind. Notice the accompanying feeling (i.e. anger, frustration, disappointment). Notice what those thoughts and feelings want you to do (i.e. shout, leave, smash the x-box controller).
- Notice that you are none of these things. Thoughts appeared in your mind, yes. You have and experience of anger, yes. You feel drawn to act in a certain way, yes. But did you choose to have any of these thoughts? What does the anger feel like apart from these thoughts? Can you feel this way and make your own choice about how to respond to it?
Step Two: Making room for anger (acceptance)
Acceptance in ACT does not mean approving of what happened or giving up your boundaries. It means allowing the internal experience of anger to be there without trying to push it away or control it. You can start practicing this by: (1) Noticing where anger shows up in your body (heat, tension, pressure). (2) Staying with or perhaps breathing into those sensations rather than resisting them. (3) Acknowledging it as ‘here is anger’ as opposed to ‘I am angry.’
Paradoxically, when you stop fighting anger, it often becomes less overwhelming. Fighting emotions tends to amplify them while allowing them space gives your nervous system a chance to process and eventually settle.
Step Three: Unhooking from angry thoughts
If there is one key part of ACT that is worth particular attention and practice, it is what’s called cognitive diffusion: learning to see thoughts as mental events, not commands or facts.
Instead of, “They don’t respect me”, you might practice, “I’m having the thought that they don’t respect me.”
This may seem subtle, but it reduces the power of the thought. You’re no longer feeling identified with the thought. It is no longer seen as you (the thinker) choosing to have the thought. Instead, you are observing it for what it is, just a thought trying to help in the way it knows but sometimes trying a bit too hard.
When angry thoughts lose their power over you, you gain more freedom to choose your behaviour, even when you feel angry.
Step Four: Coming back to the present moment
Anger often pulls us into the past (“What they did was wrong”) or the future (“This will keep happening”). ACT encourages grounding in the present moment. We can practice grounding by paying attention to our immediate sensory experiences. These only exist in the present. You can try the following now:
- Feel your feet on the floor
- Notice sounds in the room
- Take three slow breaths, focusing on the difference in temperature of the air on the inbreath compared to the outbreath.
While you were paying attention to this, did the past and future remain in your experience or did they disappear for a while? This isn’t about calming yourself perfectly or solving a problem. Neither is it about escaping the reality of a problem. It’s about anchoring yourself enough in what’s currently happening to regain perspective and realise that what you were thinking about when you were angry is not happening now.
It may only have happened two minutes ago, or even two seconds, but not now. You may still feel like you are about to explode, but acting on the exploding is only going to feed the anger and consequences. So, once you are grounded, you may choose: do I react to the anger, or do I respond in a way that is more helpful?
Step Five: Choosing values-based responses
A key question in ACT is this: “Who do I want to be in this moment?”
Even when anger is present, you can choose actions aligned with your values—such as respect, fairness or compassion. For example, speaking firmly rather than aggressively, taking a break instead of escalating, expressing your needs later, when calmer.
ACT helps us move away from “How do I get rid of this feeling?” and toward “How do I want to act, even with this feeling here?”
Anger doesn’t have to disappear for change to happen
Many people expect progress to mean feeling less anger, but this is not necessarily the case in ACT. Instead, progress could mean that anger passes more quickly, is noticed earlier, influences our behaviour less, or allows us to recover faster after difficult moments.
These shifts reflect real psychological flexibility. Not the absence of anger, but a new and more helpful way of responding to it.
If your anger feels explosive, constant, or linked to past trauma, working with a trained therapist can be especially helpful. ACT is often used alongside trauma-informed therapies to ensure anger is addressed safely and compassionately.
Final note
Anger is not a failure or a flaw, it’s a signal. ACT teaches us how to listen to that signal without letting it drive the bus. With practice, we can learn to carry our anger with less effort, respond deliberately in a helpful way, and build a life guided by your values rather than your reactions.
Recommended reading:
- ‘The Happiness Trap’ by Russ Harris
