In the clinic room, I often hear stories from clients with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) around how it has impacted the way they connect with others and how it has affected, both positively and negatively, the quality of their platonic and romantic relationships in the past and present. This article explores my clinical experiences of how ADHD might influence different aspects of your relationships, alongside some tips I have on managing typical interpersonal challenges.
How Can ADHD Affect Conversations?
Staying focused in conversations can be difficult with ADHD, especially if the topic isn’t engaging to you (i.e. interesting, important or urgent). You might get distracted by internal (e.g. thoughts, feelings, images, memories) or external factors (e.g. sounds, movements, strangers’ conversations) which might make others feel like you’re not fully present in the conversation.
I often hear from clients with ADHD that others have commented that they don’t appear interested or present in the conversation. This can affect the quality of the relationship and leave others feeling frustrated or disconnected.
On the other hand, when a topic does capture your interest, either because it is a topic you find interesting or because it is emotionally charged in a distressing way, you might find yourself “hyperfocused,” jumping in and interrupting impulsively, connecting many tangential ideas at once and switching topics quickly.
This heightened attention and its impact on the conversational style can unintentionally overwhelm others, particularly if interrupting leaves them feeling unheard. Many of my clients with ADHD have been told that they may interrupt or dominate conversations and feel a lot of shame and embarrassment around this. Sometimes to others this comes across as rude, even when they meant well and didn’t intend to be rude.
What Are Some Tips For Managing Conversations If You Have ADHD?
- Practice active listening by mentally summarising or reflecting back what the other person says to stay engaged.
- Choose quieter spaces to chat and turn off notifications to minimise distractions.
- Let the person you are talking to know that they can gently remind you if you interrupt and give them a heads-up about your tendency to jump in when excited (or in distress).
Does ADHD Affect Emotional Sensitivity?
ADHD often comes with heightened emotional sensitivity, especially around rejection or criticism. Some clinicians and researchers call this aspect of ADHD ‘rejection sensitivity’.
Not only may you feel more easily triggered than others around you, but your emotions may also feel more intense and take longer to process, which can leave others feeling like you they have to “walk on eggshells” around you.
You might find it particularly hard to ‘let go’ of certain things that have upset you in relationships, which to others that don’t share the same experience, may lead them to feel like you are holding a grudge intentionally, even if you are not. This emotional sensitivity, combined with the external and internalised shame that often comes with being more sensitive, can feel isolating over time.
How To Manage Emotional Sensitivity With ADHD
- Try to see that your sensitivity is also a strength – it allows for deep connections and deep empathy. Developing self-compassion and acceptance can help you realise that you are not just sensitised to negative feelings, but to positive ones also. My favourite book that explores sensitivity as a core strength and limitation for people with ADHD is Gabor Mate’s Scattered Minds.
- For sensitivity to negative feelings, practicing mindfulness and grounding techniques can help you notice and process emotions as they come up. I particularly like Tara Brach’s RAIN technique that helps us with mindfulness and radical compassion to distressing emotions: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/
- Share your emotional needs and triggers with those close to you, so they’re aware early on before it escalates. If you’re interested in learning how to compassionately communicate your feelings and needs, Marshall Rosenberg’s book on Non-Violent Communication is my top recommendation.
How Does ADHD Affect Organisation and Follow-Through?
Time management can be tricky with ADHD, which may affect how reliable others find you. If you’re often late, forget plans, or struggle to keep in touch, others might feel undervalued or like you don’t prioritise them.
Some top tips for staying organised include:
- Set reminders on your phone to keep track of plans and events. This includes social events, other people’s birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
- Be upfront with close friends or partners about your organisational challenges, to help them understand it’s not personal.
What Are The Strengths of ADHD in relationships?
ADHD also brings unique strengths to relationships. People with ADHD are often creative, spontaneous, empathetic, and loyal, bringing excitement and authenticity into relationships.
Finding your tribe, i.e. compassionate friends who appreciate these qualities whilst making space for its shortcomings, can be deeply rewarding and can reduce feelings of alienation and isolation. Clinically, I hugely enjoy – and often particularly look forward to – working with clients with ADHD. I find that they are often such deep feeling, soulful, creative and energetic souls.
ADHD isn’t a flaw. Let’s remember that ADHD falls under “neurodiversity,” not “neurodeficiency,” for a reason.
It’s a different way of being wired, which comes with both challenges and strengths. Being able to embrace this, whilst taking responsibility as much as you can to understand and manage how the shortcomings materialise in your life, can lead to meaningful, deep and lasting relationships.
Helpful resources
- Gabor Mate’s book on ADHD: Scattered Minds
- Tara Brach RAIN acronym for radical acceptance and compassion: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/
- Marshall Rosenberg’s book on compassionate communication: Non-Violent Communication
